Tough New Rules For Staff Break Room Announced at The Evanston Central Library

During his state of the library speech delivered last week, Director C. Wright Mills, described the horror he felt at entering the staff break room: “Jesus do you morons even use your hands when you eat? I mean g-d dam what are you people doing in there – slaughtering cattle? Thanks to the whip cream smeared on the floor I pulled a groin when I stepped into the room and found myself ass up on the floor. And this gave me a whole new vantage point to stare at the break table. And what a fuckin’ sight! On top of the table was a mountain range of piled fudge – and g-d I’m praying it was fudge that I saw – it was all melted, smushed together and at the top, like a snow cap was, what I thought were vanilla sprinkles, but which the Infectious Disease Team from the Public Health Department later informed me be a raging stage three fungi grow out.

“Eventually I stood up and made my way over to the refrigerator and – g-d help me -- I opened it. Imagine a port-a-potty rigged up as a road side bomb. Filth, stench, brown watery pieces of g-d knows what roared into my face. I staggered back from the door, hand to mouth, gasping for breath.

“Oh boy am I ever proud of my crack team! I began to ask questions. I learned that JG “The Ass Kisser” never opens a freakin’ can of soda without shaking it like a go-go dancer. Or how ‘bout this little beaut: XW. spreads butter on other peoples food with her tongue. Her. Fucking. Tongue. And I haven’t even started in on the habits of the butter hogs from Reference Services …. So here it is consider these rules your new moral code.
*I will not eat my food while naked in the break room
*I will not secrete bodily fluids, wipe bodily fluids, huck a loogie, or relieve myself in anyway on my co-workers food
*I will not play “Let’s See Who Can Eat This”
*I will use my hands when I eat
*I will understand plates and cutlery are manadatory
*I will understand that the couch, chairs, walls, ceiling, and floor, as well as my co-worker’s property are NOT napkins or waste disposal sites
*I will celebrate and use the garbage can
*I understand the washing my hands is NOT a sign of moral weakness

“These rules can and will be amended as necessary.”