The Librarian's Philospher Stone

All library science professionals recognize the scholar-gentleman at the left -- Dr. Steven Lazlo Quartzenmia, Esq., J.D., DDS, MPH, MLIS, Ed.D, Supreme Certificate Holder in Shoe Fitting Science from the Dr. Scholes School of Podiatry whose current anchorage is at the Netherland Institute of Library Science. Those who are at first unfamilar with his name usually recognize the good Dr. Q when you mention his blog moniker: "The Cosmic Pantsload of Insight."

Last year before his now fabled "Global Bong Journey" Dr. Q, issued a web comic that is considered by most to be an epic analysis of what he labeled "The Inverted World of the Library." Dr. Q. analyzed over 2347 North American and British public libraries and found that "if it works on the outside it fucks up in the library." Take for instance, the documented response of librarians to cellphone technology. Over a ten month grant-funded program the University of Berlin sent out a squadron of researchers to test the field hypothesis that "When a librarian hears a patron's cellphone ringer s/he runs to a pre-designated safe spot away from the patron and cowers in pants shitting horror." Result: BINGO! Dr. Q. interprets the data at a more epistemological level "library science professionals are a fear based group of feces spraying herd animals." Controversial to say the least. Pushing the thought further Dr. Q. deploys what he considers his "bitchin-est metaphor to date" that handguns are the librarian's version of the philospher's stone. "In the outside world handguns are looked askance at by business owners -- you wouldn't think of patronizing a Micky D's if you saw the slack jaw dipshit taking your order was staring at you while patting a sidearm. But in the world of library professionals the handgun is the new ipod." Alchemy sought the philosophers stone, an elusive substance, that would magically transform base metal into glorious hooker buying gold. Librarians aren't looking for gold Dr. Q notes; instead, librarians have discovered that brandishing a handgun is the fastest way to transform a smirking patron into a bowel emptying organism begging for life. Dr. Q noted that when librarians pack heat they favor gaudy, Dirty Harry style life enders. Janice "The Red Axe" U. reference specialist at the William G. Reed Public Library located in Shelton Washington (360-426-1362) agrees, "Fuck yeah. I take photos of the shit puddles patrons leave and post'em, like a trophy, on the library's my space website. Let's realize once and for all that the new face of patron interface is a glock barrel to the patron's temple." As she says this Janice points to the iconic photo that sits before her at the reference desk: