Make Way for Salad Fixins'

Outreach programs are now a vital part of a library's menu of services to the indifferent dick wads we call patrons. But I digress. We here at One Big Ass Library have seen outreach programs come and go. Some of us may never get the full complement of eye bleach to remove the scars of the ill fated "Bring in a Used Condom and Get Your Over dues Cleared" Program as pioneered by the Brooklyn Public Library 1983 to 1995. Others of course did not involve surrendering bodily fluids, think of "Story time at the VFW" which made the name of the Jackson Mississippi library system a curse word in the mouths of flag waving alcoholics. Now comes the Sioux Falls Library's latest efforts at community outreach. Broadly titled, "How Can We Feed Their Minds When Their Stomachs are Distended?" and led by the rowdy gang in the bookmobile who call themselves "The Mobile Literacy Warriors."

Greg "I GOT 'ROIDS THE SIZE OF GRAPE SHOT" K., bookmobile librarian explains, "Look it all started with a grant. Please pass me that donut shaped cushion will you? SWEET JUDAS MOUTH CANDY that does feel good.

Now where was I? Oh yeah grants. Look, to put it country simple we got a congressman in DC who brings home the bacon. Every time a librarian farts around here there's another bucket of money coming in. We're hip deep in funds. Its kind of pathetic but who am I to complain.

So one morning I'm kicking it with the custodians who are detailing the bookmobile or as they like to call it "Pimping my ride." And Jesus or Buddha what a job they did! Instead of a tinny horn I now have Porn Moans featuring the voice stylings of some of the finest honeys in Danish erotica -- and let me tell ya it draws attention to the bookmobile! I mean talk about the looks we get at the nursing home when we pull into the parking lot with me laying on the horn -- Oh those old f'ers love the sound of sweet love!

Are you using that ice pack cuz I'm on fire?

So like I said, the librarian comes in and after I hit the horn she says 'I got more money to spend." The Custodial Staff never afraid to think said 'How bout a mobile salad bar? Not one of those punk-ass salad bars you see in the federal pen, we're talking Vegas casino style. Dancing girls, show tunes, white tigers --the works. She was up for it.

Holy Buddha do you have any pain killers I could crush and rub on these burning nubs from Hell?"

Thus began the Sioux Falls Salad Saga, where every visit to the bookmobile entitles you to a free visit to the sumptuous, and some might say narcotic, salad bar. This may seem gratuitous but its not, as the Loose Stools Conference Board points out Sioux Falls is the most tight ass group of citizens in North America, witness the immaculate suffering of Greg K and his heroic struggle with the "Roids from the flaming heart of Satan."

Enter the Mobile Literacy Warriors. Armed with books, a hot looking clerical staff and a salad bar that causes vegetarians to sprout spontaneous boners these librarians are loosening stools one patron at a time. There were challenges to having a salad bar smack in the middle of a fully pimped out bookmobile but after the custodians figured out how to secure the lids on the Western Dressing people stopped sliding "all the hell around the vehicle." Tethering straps also assisted.