Meet the New Director of the Nomei, Alaska Library!

The City Council stated that a single line from the new Director's resume sealed the deal in his hiring: "I clap like a doofus for no reason at all."

Orr's Island Library

To describe library life is a difficult task. Violent scenes from movies, television dramas, and newspaper reports have clouded the public's perception of what a library is really like. A library is not like a country club; nor is it like a dungeon, a cave, or a torture chamber. It is far worse. I am ashamed that my wife and children have a husband, and a father, who has seen the things I've seen for you see I work in the Orr’s Island Public Library (207) 729-1883.
Upon my first entry into Orr's Island library, a matted haired vagrant sleeping off a bender in the newspaper section told me, "A library is what you make of it. And for me it’s a urinal and a flophouse." In a very narrow sense, that is true, although one certainly cannot make it into a Golden Showers vacation. Later that same day, another booze hound, this time a shelving aide, told me, "Working in a library is a learning experience. There’s hooch in the stacks if you’re thirsty." That's true as well; however, the same can be said of a heart attack or a blast kick to the kiwis.
Every new librarian projects a false image of what s/he considers to be toughness. This "mask" s/he wears is to hide the fact s/he is so scared that s/he has left a trail of shit and vomit from the book drop to the reference desk. I've learned that the librarian cannot show kindness, because kindness is considered a weakness. And to be weak in this environment is to invite pain. It is impossible to be gentle in a world where nothing is gentle. One must play a role, act a part for the benefit of the hateful eyes of those patrons who would rather spit in your face than smile at you. I told the staff therapist of my masturbatory fantasies and how they always involve dead patrons.
She told me I was ready to lead the Children's Program. I am Steve “Oatmeal Ass” Olseningdy and this is my story.

Library Re-Design: What Patrons Want

Can I Have A Privacy Screen?

Life Lessons from a Librarian

Q: I work the stun line of a slaughterhouse here in Kansas. I love my job and to enhance my life, I’m thinking of getting my MLIS? What can I expect?

A: First let’s track down what you mean by MLIS. Since you’re writing to ONE BIG ASS LIBRARY I think you've already received the MLIS. Think of your last high school reunion. Remember the derisive laughter when you came in? That’s because you were voted MLIS meaning “Magnificent Loser in School” and that pretty much summarizes your four years of high school -- swirlees, buttocks bleeding from locker room towel snaps coupled with the horror of public zither lessons. Rest cool sir, there's no need for additional training you’re already there.

In Praise of the Town Library

Here is an excellent article on life inside one of the satanic mills many of us find ourselves working in.

Overheard in the Library

Here are twenty five things overheard by librarians from around the world.

1. "He wants me to squeeze WHAT?" (Sweden)
2. "Sure it looks enflamed." (Kansas)
3. " I like to nut rub a book before I shelve it. (Vegas)
4. "That is the biggest mango I've ever seen." (Tampa)
5. "Its a book dickwad not a handgun." (Detroit)
6. "I rub lotion on my belly." (Minneapolis)
7. "Processing a new title in NOT the moral equivalent of dry humping." (Madison WI)
8. "No. We cannot Interlibrary Loan a Fillipino sex kitten for you." (St. Paul MN)
9. "Download this asshole." (Hong Kong)
10. "No a bare handed grab will not make the Library's end of the year highlight film." (Iceland)
11. "While I appreciate the offer of a hummer I can't accept it in lieu of a cash for your fines." (France)
12."Why yes I do stretch my buttcheeks every night." (Vatican City)
13. "Nice try Sparky but thats a CUCUMBER." (Tulsa)
14. "I'm sorry sir, NO PANTS NO SERVICE." (Pretoria SA)
15. "I have no interest in your salute to methane." (Spokane WA)
16. "Senator that's not a breath mint." (Idaho)
17. "I too fear accordian lessons." (Berlin)
18. "Let's get pants shitting drunk over in the juvy section." (Moscow)
19. "Make the voices stop." (New York)
20. "Guess who got the Library Mission Statement on his ass?" (Bismarck ND)
21. "Oh great here come the felons and pervert volunteers." (Attica NY)
22. "I'm looking for books on "Pet Neutering " if you know what I mean." (Iron Falls NY)
23 "Do these pants show off my package?" (Duluth GA)
24."Don't pick it up until I get a HazMat suit that fits."
25. "What's this? This is another piece of techonology they'll use to fire your ass."

Make Way for Salad Fixins'

Outreach programs are now a vital part of a library's menu of services to the indifferent dick wads we call patrons. But I digress. We here at One Big Ass Library have seen outreach programs come and go. Some of us may never get the full complement of eye bleach to remove the scars of the ill fated "Bring in a Used Condom and Get Your Over dues Cleared" Program as pioneered by the Brooklyn Public Library 1983 to 1995. Others of course did not involve surrendering bodily fluids, think of "Story time at the VFW" which made the name of the Jackson Mississippi library system a curse word in the mouths of flag waving alcoholics. Now comes the Sioux Falls Library's latest efforts at community outreach. Broadly titled, "How Can We Feed Their Minds When Their Stomachs are Distended?" and led by the rowdy gang in the bookmobile who call themselves "The Mobile Literacy Warriors."

Greg "I GOT 'ROIDS THE SIZE OF GRAPE SHOT" K., bookmobile librarian explains, "Look it all started with a grant. Please pass me that donut shaped cushion will you? SWEET JUDAS MOUTH CANDY that does feel good.

Now where was I? Oh yeah grants. Look, to put it country simple we got a congressman in DC who brings home the bacon. Every time a librarian farts around here there's another bucket of money coming in. We're hip deep in funds. Its kind of pathetic but who am I to complain.

So one morning I'm kicking it with the custodians who are detailing the bookmobile or as they like to call it "Pimping my ride." And Jesus or Buddha what a job they did! Instead of a tinny horn I now have Porn Moans featuring the voice stylings of some of the finest honeys in Danish erotica -- and let me tell ya it draws attention to the bookmobile! I mean talk about the looks we get at the nursing home when we pull into the parking lot with me laying on the horn -- Oh those old f'ers love the sound of sweet love!

Are you using that ice pack cuz I'm on fire?

So like I said, the librarian comes in and after I hit the horn she says 'I got more money to spend." The Custodial Staff never afraid to think said 'How bout a mobile salad bar? Not one of those punk-ass salad bars you see in the federal pen, we're talking Vegas casino style. Dancing girls, show tunes, white tigers --the works. She was up for it.

Holy Buddha do you have any pain killers I could crush and rub on these burning nubs from Hell?"

Thus began the Sioux Falls Salad Saga, where every visit to the bookmobile entitles you to a free visit to the sumptuous, and some might say narcotic, salad bar. This may seem gratuitous but its not, as the Loose Stools Conference Board points out Sioux Falls is the most tight ass group of citizens in North America, witness the immaculate suffering of Greg K and his heroic struggle with the "Roids from the flaming heart of Satan."

Enter the Mobile Literacy Warriors. Armed with books, a hot looking clerical staff and a salad bar that causes vegetarians to sprout spontaneous boners these librarians are loosening stools one patron at a time. There were challenges to having a salad bar smack in the middle of a fully pimped out bookmobile but after the custodians figured out how to secure the lids on the Western Dressing people stopped sliding "all the hell around the vehicle." Tethering straps also assisted.

Librarian Whisperer

Think this is going to be a lameo tie in to a stupid movie? No. We're talking here about Ken from the IronFalls library, 315-568-8265. This poor man can't shut up with his barely audible mutterings about "EVERY FREAKING THING ON THE AARC2," or so says co-worker Julie "I'm Not a Republican" W. who has worked with "that remorseless retard for five years." The problem presented itself shortly after Julie joined the Cataloging Team as a Binding Specialist and innocently asked about the correct cutter number for a book on Pet Neutering. This started Ken on his five year avalanche of arcane information, dark prophetic mutterings about "a coming shit storm" and subject headings. Despite pleas from the staff, and a special session memo from the ALA on the matter, Ken just keeps going like a "g-ddam, buzz saw" says Tom P staff psycho-therapist and intuitive healer. "It was my training in Aztec foot loosening which came, I might add, unbidden after viewing Mel Gibson's Apocolypto that allowed me to finally break through to this profoundly irritating person, " says Tom P adjusting himself as if for emphasis. "We got there but it wasn't pretty. It turns out that Julie's question drilled straight into a boundless reserve of bitterness that stems from Ken's sad, scorn-filled, childhood. You see Ken was mistakenly neutered by his shakey-handed, near-sighted grandfather who thought Ken was the beloved family goat who has scheduled to give up the nuggets that evening. In Ken's family goat nuggets are like gold to you and me. Ken screamed and pleaded but all he got from grandpa was a pat on the head and a handful of oats shoved in his gaping mouth. Julie, unknowingly, hit the Spindletop of repressed dysfunction."

Flirty Readers Advisory

Shirley "The Stone Crusher" introduces "Flirty Readers Advisory." Tired of hearing the staff gasp and ask "Are those legs or a map of Allied Europe?" Shirley got that surgery for those varicose addled gams. She tells herself she looks good, many disagree. Like this man an admitted Car Salesman from Lovins, "I've seen better legs on mangled ..." And hear is where Shirley's nickname came from after crushing the stones and re-arranging the privy member of the salesman . . . . What does this have to do with a Flirty Readers Advisory I'm getting that. In this space tomorrow.

S and M Comes to the Riverdale GA Library

Ever since firm Capitalist hands pushed unwillingly Luddites off of shit stained farms and got'em working in the Satanic Mills of Industry the question of work place stress has been a constant concern.

Research provided by Chuck's House of Lube and Erotica says nothing beats stress like a good old fashion dominatrix. Hence, Georgia's Riverdale library's (770-472-8100) "Spank Me Thursdays." In an effort to burn off a little of the soul crushing karmic backwash of helping perverts watch porn in the library the gang at the branch have decided to kick it up a notch. "If these deviates want a good time, there's a happy ending waiting for them at the library." Head librarian SJJ says the staff is ready to assist any patron looking to "box the monkey or manipulate the mango." The custodial staff has requested photos and HazMat suits for the clean up.

Five Fundraising Bumper Stickers (Minot, ND)

Those perky gals at the central library (face it kids they only got one library -- pictured at the left -- okay, two if you count the bio fuel powered "Book Tractor" that smells like death on the road when they're running that congealed pig sh&t SteveO keeps raving about --what the hell is it with pigs and this guy?) have decided to do a little fund raising for ETD's halitosis therapy. They're selling bumper stickers. Here are the stickers available:

1. My Ass is Not Performance Art

2. Read a Book you Bastard.

3. It takes A Village to Read a F&*king Book in this Town

4. MINOT!!! WHY NOT?

5. How Would You Like a Size FIVE Carbon Footprint Up Your Book Shute?

Interested? Just call (701) 852-1045 and ask for Joey the slightly slow farm hand who is working off a DUI scribbling these slogans on computer scrap paper. Please schedule 25 minutes to explain the process to Joey and the rest of the staff.