Library Custodian Wants You to Sniff His Nut Sack

Meet Chuck. Chuck is a man proud of his nuts, by which he means his vast collection of hothouse Filberts. With the evangelical fervor he learned at a Tony Robbins seminar, Chuck -- a front line custodian at the Terra Haute, Indiana Library System -- took his nuts to the street. "Nothing beats the refresh sent of a good nut sack!" says Chuck fondly jiggling a robust bag of said goodies. During one of her period alcholic blackouts, Director Cheryl Oepq signed a paper giving Chuck the unfettered opportunity to invite patrons to smell "the rich, life affirming smells of my favorite nut sack." So there he stands at every break calling to patrons entering the main library screaming, "Have bitch wanna smell my sack?" Surprising its the disabled who take Chuck on his offer. "Gimps love nut sacks." He has yet to take to the level with some one accepting his offer to "pop one in your mouth, roll it around, enjoy the texture." Not everyone welcomes Chucks nuts some patrons flee with Chucks words ringing in their ears as he explains, "Hell I like poppin' in my mouth. What the hell is wrong with you?" There was of course the taser incident by in November but the voltage mercifully cancelled out Chuck's memory of the experience.

Secret Santa Tradition Ruled “Bullshit” by Screwed Over Co-Worker

Dickhead Hiring Alert

Massive Dickhead Set to Assume Supervisory Position in Logan County Public Library (Paris, Arkansas) (479) 963-2371. Negotiators exited the La Quinta conference room late last night feeling in the words of one federal mediator “like we'd been dry fucked by a rhino. You’re not like a cop right? I swear to Buddha she was an adult.” Peccadilloes aside, at issue, the likely appointment of long time scourge of Technical Services Mr. Peanut Shqwertyuiop (pictured at left) a man described by his supervisor as “a walking, talking hemorrhoid. Ya know I’m like pro-life and all but if somebody fired a cap in his ass I pledge here and now I wouldn’t say a word. To anybody. Ev-ARR.” Upon announcement of Mr. Shqwertyuiop's name groups from across the employment spectrum joined together to sink this asshole's chances at career advancement. Despite a Schopenhauer-like pessimism among its ranks, federal negotiators said they would gather the parties around “the old bullshit table” for another round of talks tomorrow afternoon.

Tough New Rules For Staff Break Room Announced at The Evanston Central Library

During his state of the library speech delivered last week, Director C. Wright Mills, described the horror he felt at entering the staff break room: “Jesus do you morons even use your hands when you eat? I mean g-d dam what are you people doing in there – slaughtering cattle? Thanks to the whip cream smeared on the floor I pulled a groin when I stepped into the room and found myself ass up on the floor. And this gave me a whole new vantage point to stare at the break table. And what a fuckin’ sight! On top of the table was a mountain range of piled fudge – and g-d I’m praying it was fudge that I saw – it was all melted, smushed together and at the top, like a snow cap was, what I thought were vanilla sprinkles, but which the Infectious Disease Team from the Public Health Department later informed me be a raging stage three fungi grow out.

“Eventually I stood up and made my way over to the refrigerator and – g-d help me -- I opened it. Imagine a port-a-potty rigged up as a road side bomb. Filth, stench, brown watery pieces of g-d knows what roared into my face. I staggered back from the door, hand to mouth, gasping for breath.

“Oh boy am I ever proud of my crack team! I began to ask questions. I learned that JG “The Ass Kisser” never opens a freakin’ can of soda without shaking it like a go-go dancer. Or how ‘bout this little beaut: XW. spreads butter on other peoples food with her tongue. Her. Fucking. Tongue. And I haven’t even started in on the habits of the butter hogs from Reference Services …. So here it is consider these rules your new moral code.
*I will not eat my food while naked in the break room
*I will not secrete bodily fluids, wipe bodily fluids, huck a loogie, or relieve myself in anyway on my co-workers food
*I will not play “Let’s See Who Can Eat This”
*I will use my hands when I eat
*I will understand plates and cutlery are manadatory
*I will understand that the couch, chairs, walls, ceiling, and floor, as well as my co-worker’s property are NOT napkins or waste disposal sites
*I will celebrate and use the garbage can
*I understand the washing my hands is NOT a sign of moral weakness

“These rules can and will be amended as necessary.”

The Librarian's Philospher Stone

All library science professionals recognize the scholar-gentleman at the left -- Dr. Steven Lazlo Quartzenmia, Esq., J.D., DDS, MPH, MLIS, Ed.D, Supreme Certificate Holder in Shoe Fitting Science from the Dr. Scholes School of Podiatry whose current anchorage is at the Netherland Institute of Library Science. Those who are at first unfamilar with his name usually recognize the good Dr. Q when you mention his blog moniker: "The Cosmic Pantsload of Insight."

Last year before his now fabled "Global Bong Journey" Dr. Q, issued a web comic that is considered by most to be an epic analysis of what he labeled "The Inverted World of the Library." Dr. Q. analyzed over 2347 North American and British public libraries and found that "if it works on the outside it fucks up in the library." Take for instance, the documented response of librarians to cellphone technology. Over a ten month grant-funded program the University of Berlin sent out a squadron of researchers to test the field hypothesis that "When a librarian hears a patron's cellphone ringer s/he runs to a pre-designated safe spot away from the patron and cowers in pants shitting horror." Result: BINGO! Dr. Q. interprets the data at a more epistemological level "library science professionals are a fear based group of feces spraying herd animals." Controversial to say the least. Pushing the thought further Dr. Q. deploys what he considers his "bitchin-est metaphor to date" that handguns are the librarian's version of the philospher's stone. "In the outside world handguns are looked askance at by business owners -- you wouldn't think of patronizing a Micky D's if you saw the slack jaw dipshit taking your order was staring at you while patting a sidearm. But in the world of library professionals the handgun is the new ipod." Alchemy sought the philosophers stone, an elusive substance, that would magically transform base metal into glorious hooker buying gold. Librarians aren't looking for gold Dr. Q notes; instead, librarians have discovered that brandishing a handgun is the fastest way to transform a smirking patron into a bowel emptying organism begging for life. Dr. Q noted that when librarians pack heat they favor gaudy, Dirty Harry style life enders. Janice "The Red Axe" U. reference specialist at the William G. Reed Public Library located in Shelton Washington (360-426-1362) agrees, "Fuck yeah. I take photos of the shit puddles patrons leave and post'em, like a trophy, on the library's my space website. Let's realize once and for all that the new face of patron interface is a glock barrel to the patron's temple." As she says this Janice points to the iconic photo that sits before her at the reference desk:

Conference Update

One of the more compelling presentations at the South Central Chapter of ASI (The American Society of Indexers) Fall 2007 held in beautiful Woodlands, Texas was Fran Disco Librarian lecture entitled “Why You Suck.” Beginning his speech with a confession of sorts, Fran admitted ‘This is a four toke lecture composed under the ambrosial influence of sun ripened Columbian Gold, from the Balsisam region. ‘Nuff said.” His introduction went on to lay the weird ground work for an unsettling voyage into the mind of man whose consciousness has been blasted from iterative encounters with a “hookah smoking caterpillar.” There is no way to summarize what the hell he was talking about so to let you in on it dear Reader we’re giving you the first and last “paragraphs” of Fran’s presentation. Please draw your own conclusions we quote: “Starting with “a blizzard, my friend ….and the Warwick framework you corporate …..what? … oh, yeah … Hey Mrs. Walsh, how do you Fuzzy set your Information package? Go find a tree and lift a leg you wench. Okay things crystallized after the ‘shrooms kicked in … then I heard the dread footsteps on the Exhaustivity staircase….

And…then…one day there were strange noises like that freaking Syndetic voice which is reminiscent of ‘Cousin It’ on The Addams Family that remains my go to voice for disembodied garbled indecipherable stoner driving directions. Kinda like a Eurasian Taco seasonings for your mental brain pan if you get my ontological drift…”
Unfortunately just as he seemed to be coming to some sort of point, Fran disrobed and, after a series of deep pelvic thrusts towards the audience, left the stage.

Shipshewana Branch

In a cutting edge program aimed at boosting circulation and patron participation the Shipshewana Branch of the LaGrange County Library (Indiana) unveiled this week its "Spend the Night with a Librarian" Program. The carnal fun kicks off with Sally "Butt-ilious" T, age 52 who invites you to "ride the roaring roller coaster of my menopausal mood swings as we shoot out the lights of weird sex acts." To join in call 260-768-7444

Broken Bow Public Library

In an laudatory effort to cement its relations with the three neo-pagans in the area, the gang at the Broken Bow Public Library (308-872-2927)located oddly enough in Broken Bow Nebraska hosted its first ever "Salute to Whatever the Hell You People Believe In." As Kim "One More Toke Over the Line Sweet Jesus" N. commented, "This is like f--king Woodstock right here in f--king Nebraska." We share her chemically based joy. (Kim is the fairly mannish looking person leading the ceremony in the photo.)

Meet the New Director of the Nomei, Alaska Library!

The City Council stated that a single line from the new Director's resume sealed the deal in his hiring: "I clap like a doofus for no reason at all."

Orr's Island Library

To describe library life is a difficult task. Violent scenes from movies, television dramas, and newspaper reports have clouded the public's perception of what a library is really like. A library is not like a country club; nor is it like a dungeon, a cave, or a torture chamber. It is far worse. I am ashamed that my wife and children have a husband, and a father, who has seen the things I've seen for you see I work in the Orr’s Island Public Library (207) 729-1883.
Upon my first entry into Orr's Island library, a matted haired vagrant sleeping off a bender in the newspaper section told me, "A library is what you make of it. And for me it’s a urinal and a flophouse." In a very narrow sense, that is true, although one certainly cannot make it into a Golden Showers vacation. Later that same day, another booze hound, this time a shelving aide, told me, "Working in a library is a learning experience. There’s hooch in the stacks if you’re thirsty." That's true as well; however, the same can be said of a heart attack or a blast kick to the kiwis.
Every new librarian projects a false image of what s/he considers to be toughness. This "mask" s/he wears is to hide the fact s/he is so scared that s/he has left a trail of shit and vomit from the book drop to the reference desk. I've learned that the librarian cannot show kindness, because kindness is considered a weakness. And to be weak in this environment is to invite pain. It is impossible to be gentle in a world where nothing is gentle. One must play a role, act a part for the benefit of the hateful eyes of those patrons who would rather spit in your face than smile at you. I told the staff therapist of my masturbatory fantasies and how they always involve dead patrons.
She told me I was ready to lead the Children's Program. I am Steve “Oatmeal Ass” Olseningdy and this is my story.

Library Re-Design: What Patrons Want

Can I Have A Privacy Screen?

Life Lessons from a Librarian

Q: I work the stun line of a slaughterhouse here in Kansas. I love my job and to enhance my life, I’m thinking of getting my MLIS? What can I expect?

A: First let’s track down what you mean by MLIS. Since you’re writing to ONE BIG ASS LIBRARY I think you've already received the MLIS. Think of your last high school reunion. Remember the derisive laughter when you came in? That’s because you were voted MLIS meaning “Magnificent Loser in School” and that pretty much summarizes your four years of high school -- swirlees, buttocks bleeding from locker room towel snaps coupled with the horror of public zither lessons. Rest cool sir, there's no need for additional training you’re already there.

In Praise of the Town Library

Here is an excellent article on life inside one of the satanic mills many of us find ourselves working in.

Overheard in the Library

Here are twenty five things overheard by librarians from around the world.

1. "He wants me to squeeze WHAT?" (Sweden)
2. "Sure it looks enflamed." (Kansas)
3. " I like to nut rub a book before I shelve it. (Vegas)
4. "That is the biggest mango I've ever seen." (Tampa)
5. "Its a book dickwad not a handgun." (Detroit)
6. "I rub lotion on my belly." (Minneapolis)
7. "Processing a new title in NOT the moral equivalent of dry humping." (Madison WI)
8. "No. We cannot Interlibrary Loan a Fillipino sex kitten for you." (St. Paul MN)
9. "Download this asshole." (Hong Kong)
10. "No a bare handed grab will not make the Library's end of the year highlight film." (Iceland)
11. "While I appreciate the offer of a hummer I can't accept it in lieu of a cash for your fines." (France)
12."Why yes I do stretch my buttcheeks every night." (Vatican City)
13. "Nice try Sparky but thats a CUCUMBER." (Tulsa)
14. "I'm sorry sir, NO PANTS NO SERVICE." (Pretoria SA)
15. "I have no interest in your salute to methane." (Spokane WA)
16. "Senator that's not a breath mint." (Idaho)
17. "I too fear accordian lessons." (Berlin)
18. "Let's get pants shitting drunk over in the juvy section." (Moscow)
19. "Make the voices stop." (New York)
20. "Guess who got the Library Mission Statement on his ass?" (Bismarck ND)
21. "Oh great here come the felons and pervert volunteers." (Attica NY)
22. "I'm looking for books on "Pet Neutering " if you know what I mean." (Iron Falls NY)
23 "Do these pants show off my package?" (Duluth GA)
24."Don't pick it up until I get a HazMat suit that fits."
25. "What's this? This is another piece of techonology they'll use to fire your ass."

Make Way for Salad Fixins'

Outreach programs are now a vital part of a library's menu of services to the indifferent dick wads we call patrons. But I digress. We here at One Big Ass Library have seen outreach programs come and go. Some of us may never get the full complement of eye bleach to remove the scars of the ill fated "Bring in a Used Condom and Get Your Over dues Cleared" Program as pioneered by the Brooklyn Public Library 1983 to 1995. Others of course did not involve surrendering bodily fluids, think of "Story time at the VFW" which made the name of the Jackson Mississippi library system a curse word in the mouths of flag waving alcoholics. Now comes the Sioux Falls Library's latest efforts at community outreach. Broadly titled, "How Can We Feed Their Minds When Their Stomachs are Distended?" and led by the rowdy gang in the bookmobile who call themselves "The Mobile Literacy Warriors."

Greg "I GOT 'ROIDS THE SIZE OF GRAPE SHOT" K., bookmobile librarian explains, "Look it all started with a grant. Please pass me that donut shaped cushion will you? SWEET JUDAS MOUTH CANDY that does feel good.

Now where was I? Oh yeah grants. Look, to put it country simple we got a congressman in DC who brings home the bacon. Every time a librarian farts around here there's another bucket of money coming in. We're hip deep in funds. Its kind of pathetic but who am I to complain.

So one morning I'm kicking it with the custodians who are detailing the bookmobile or as they like to call it "Pimping my ride." And Jesus or Buddha what a job they did! Instead of a tinny horn I now have Porn Moans featuring the voice stylings of some of the finest honeys in Danish erotica -- and let me tell ya it draws attention to the bookmobile! I mean talk about the looks we get at the nursing home when we pull into the parking lot with me laying on the horn -- Oh those old f'ers love the sound of sweet love!

Are you using that ice pack cuz I'm on fire?

So like I said, the librarian comes in and after I hit the horn she says 'I got more money to spend." The Custodial Staff never afraid to think said 'How bout a mobile salad bar? Not one of those punk-ass salad bars you see in the federal pen, we're talking Vegas casino style. Dancing girls, show tunes, white tigers --the works. She was up for it.

Holy Buddha do you have any pain killers I could crush and rub on these burning nubs from Hell?"

Thus began the Sioux Falls Salad Saga, where every visit to the bookmobile entitles you to a free visit to the sumptuous, and some might say narcotic, salad bar. This may seem gratuitous but its not, as the Loose Stools Conference Board points out Sioux Falls is the most tight ass group of citizens in North America, witness the immaculate suffering of Greg K and his heroic struggle with the "Roids from the flaming heart of Satan."

Enter the Mobile Literacy Warriors. Armed with books, a hot looking clerical staff and a salad bar that causes vegetarians to sprout spontaneous boners these librarians are loosening stools one patron at a time. There were challenges to having a salad bar smack in the middle of a fully pimped out bookmobile but after the custodians figured out how to secure the lids on the Western Dressing people stopped sliding "all the hell around the vehicle." Tethering straps also assisted.

Librarian Whisperer

Think this is going to be a lameo tie in to a stupid movie? No. We're talking here about Ken from the IronFalls library, 315-568-8265. This poor man can't shut up with his barely audible mutterings about "EVERY FREAKING THING ON THE AARC2," or so says co-worker Julie "I'm Not a Republican" W. who has worked with "that remorseless retard for five years." The problem presented itself shortly after Julie joined the Cataloging Team as a Binding Specialist and innocently asked about the correct cutter number for a book on Pet Neutering. This started Ken on his five year avalanche of arcane information, dark prophetic mutterings about "a coming shit storm" and subject headings. Despite pleas from the staff, and a special session memo from the ALA on the matter, Ken just keeps going like a "g-ddam, buzz saw" says Tom P staff psycho-therapist and intuitive healer. "It was my training in Aztec foot loosening which came, I might add, unbidden after viewing Mel Gibson's Apocolypto that allowed me to finally break through to this profoundly irritating person, " says Tom P adjusting himself as if for emphasis. "We got there but it wasn't pretty. It turns out that Julie's question drilled straight into a boundless reserve of bitterness that stems from Ken's sad, scorn-filled, childhood. You see Ken was mistakenly neutered by his shakey-handed, near-sighted grandfather who thought Ken was the beloved family goat who has scheduled to give up the nuggets that evening. In Ken's family goat nuggets are like gold to you and me. Ken screamed and pleaded but all he got from grandpa was a pat on the head and a handful of oats shoved in his gaping mouth. Julie, unknowingly, hit the Spindletop of repressed dysfunction."

Flirty Readers Advisory

Shirley "The Stone Crusher" introduces "Flirty Readers Advisory." Tired of hearing the staff gasp and ask "Are those legs or a map of Allied Europe?" Shirley got that surgery for those varicose addled gams. She tells herself she looks good, many disagree. Like this man an admitted Car Salesman from Lovins, "I've seen better legs on mangled ..." And hear is where Shirley's nickname came from after crushing the stones and re-arranging the privy member of the salesman . . . . What does this have to do with a Flirty Readers Advisory I'm getting that. In this space tomorrow.

S and M Comes to the Riverdale GA Library

Ever since firm Capitalist hands pushed unwillingly Luddites off of shit stained farms and got'em working in the Satanic Mills of Industry the question of work place stress has been a constant concern.

Research provided by Chuck's House of Lube and Erotica says nothing beats stress like a good old fashion dominatrix. Hence, Georgia's Riverdale library's (770-472-8100) "Spank Me Thursdays." In an effort to burn off a little of the soul crushing karmic backwash of helping perverts watch porn in the library the gang at the branch have decided to kick it up a notch. "If these deviates want a good time, there's a happy ending waiting for them at the library." Head librarian SJJ says the staff is ready to assist any patron looking to "box the monkey or manipulate the mango." The custodial staff has requested photos and HazMat suits for the clean up.

Five Fundraising Bumper Stickers (Minot, ND)

Those perky gals at the central library (face it kids they only got one library -- pictured at the left -- okay, two if you count the bio fuel powered "Book Tractor" that smells like death on the road when they're running that congealed pig sh&t SteveO keeps raving about --what the hell is it with pigs and this guy?) have decided to do a little fund raising for ETD's halitosis therapy. They're selling bumper stickers. Here are the stickers available:

1. My Ass is Not Performance Art

2. Read a Book you Bastard.

3. It takes A Village to Read a F&*king Book in this Town

4. MINOT!!! WHY NOT?

5. How Would You Like a Size FIVE Carbon Footprint Up Your Book Shute?

Interested? Just call (701) 852-1045 and ask for Joey the slightly slow farm hand who is working off a DUI scribbling these slogans on computer scrap paper. Please schedule 25 minutes to explain the process to Joey and the rest of the staff.