Our Promise for 2008: CLARITY BEFORE ACCURACY

Race Relations

Dateline: Hensel, North Dakota.

Director Dave of the little used Hensel Library announced last week that: "Republicans Are Funny."

He posted a photo of Dennis Rodman on the break room bulletin board to illustrate his assertion.

Library Custodian Wants You to Sniff His Nut Sack

Meet Chuck. Chuck is a man proud of his nuts, by which he means his vast collection of hothouse Filberts. With the evangelical fervor he learned at a Tony Robbins seminar, Chuck -- a front line custodian at the Terra Haute, Indiana Library System -- took his nuts to the street. "Nothing beats the refresh sent of a good nut sack!" says Chuck fondly jiggling a robust bag of said goodies. During one of her period alcholic blackouts, Director Cheryl Oepq signed a paper giving Chuck the unfettered opportunity to invite patrons to smell "the rich, life affirming smells of my favorite nut sack." So there he stands at every break calling to patrons entering the main library screaming, "Have bitch wanna smell my sack?" Surprising its the disabled who take Chuck on his offer. "Gimps love nut sacks." He has yet to take to the level with some one accepting his offer to "pop one in your mouth, roll it around, enjoy the texture." Not everyone welcomes Chucks nuts some patrons flee with Chucks words ringing in their ears as he explains, "Hell I like poppin' in my mouth. What the hell is wrong with you?" There was of course the taser incident by in November but the voltage mercifully cancelled out Chuck's memory of the experience.

Secret Santa Tradition Ruled “Bullshit” by Screwed Over Co-Worker

Dickhead Hiring Alert

Massive Dickhead Set to Assume Supervisory Position in Logan County Public Library (Paris, Arkansas) (479) 963-2371. Negotiators exited the La Quinta conference room late last night feeling in the words of one federal mediator “like we'd been dry fucked by a rhino. You’re not like a cop right? I swear to Buddha she was an adult.” Peccadilloes aside, at issue, the likely appointment of long time scourge of Technical Services Mr. Peanut Shqwertyuiop (pictured at left) a man described by his supervisor as “a walking, talking hemorrhoid. Ya know I’m like pro-life and all but if somebody fired a cap in his ass I pledge here and now I wouldn’t say a word. To anybody. Ev-ARR.” Upon announcement of Mr. Shqwertyuiop's name groups from across the employment spectrum joined together to sink this asshole's chances at career advancement. Despite a Schopenhauer-like pessimism among its ranks, federal negotiators said they would gather the parties around “the old bullshit table” for another round of talks tomorrow afternoon.

Tough New Rules For Staff Break Room Announced at The Evanston Central Library

During his state of the library speech delivered last week, Director C. Wright Mills, described the horror he felt at entering the staff break room: “Jesus do you morons even use your hands when you eat? I mean g-d dam what are you people doing in there – slaughtering cattle? Thanks to the whip cream smeared on the floor I pulled a groin when I stepped into the room and found myself ass up on the floor. And this gave me a whole new vantage point to stare at the break table. And what a fuckin’ sight! On top of the table was a mountain range of piled fudge – and g-d I’m praying it was fudge that I saw – it was all melted, smushed together and at the top, like a snow cap was, what I thought were vanilla sprinkles, but which the Infectious Disease Team from the Public Health Department later informed me be a raging stage three fungi grow out.

“Eventually I stood up and made my way over to the refrigerator and – g-d help me -- I opened it. Imagine a port-a-potty rigged up as a road side bomb. Filth, stench, brown watery pieces of g-d knows what roared into my face. I staggered back from the door, hand to mouth, gasping for breath.

“Oh boy am I ever proud of my crack team! I began to ask questions. I learned that JG “The Ass Kisser” never opens a freakin’ can of soda without shaking it like a go-go dancer. Or how ‘bout this little beaut: XW. spreads butter on other peoples food with her tongue. Her. Fucking. Tongue. And I haven’t even started in on the habits of the butter hogs from Reference Services …. So here it is consider these rules your new moral code.
*I will not eat my food while naked in the break room
*I will not secrete bodily fluids, wipe bodily fluids, huck a loogie, or relieve myself in anyway on my co-workers food
*I will not play “Let’s See Who Can Eat This”
*I will use my hands when I eat
*I will understand plates and cutlery are manadatory
*I will understand that the couch, chairs, walls, ceiling, and floor, as well as my co-worker’s property are NOT napkins or waste disposal sites
*I will celebrate and use the garbage can
*I understand the washing my hands is NOT a sign of moral weakness

“These rules can and will be amended as necessary.”

The Librarian's Philospher Stone

All library science professionals recognize the scholar-gentleman at the left -- Dr. Steven Lazlo Quartzenmia, Esq., J.D., DDS, MPH, MLIS, Ed.D, Supreme Certificate Holder in Shoe Fitting Science from the Dr. Scholes School of Podiatry whose current anchorage is at the Netherland Institute of Library Science. Those who are at first unfamilar with his name usually recognize the good Dr. Q when you mention his blog moniker: "The Cosmic Pantsload of Insight."

Last year before his now fabled "Global Bong Journey" Dr. Q, issued a web comic that is considered by most to be an epic analysis of what he labeled "The Inverted World of the Library." Dr. Q. analyzed over 2347 North American and British public libraries and found that "if it works on the outside it fucks up in the library." Take for instance, the documented response of librarians to cellphone technology. Over a ten month grant-funded program the University of Berlin sent out a squadron of researchers to test the field hypothesis that "When a librarian hears a patron's cellphone ringer s/he runs to a pre-designated safe spot away from the patron and cowers in pants shitting horror." Result: BINGO! Dr. Q. interprets the data at a more epistemological level "library science professionals are a fear based group of feces spraying herd animals." Controversial to say the least. Pushing the thought further Dr. Q. deploys what he considers his "bitchin-est metaphor to date" that handguns are the librarian's version of the philospher's stone. "In the outside world handguns are looked askance at by business owners -- you wouldn't think of patronizing a Micky D's if you saw the slack jaw dipshit taking your order was staring at you while patting a sidearm. But in the world of library professionals the handgun is the new ipod." Alchemy sought the philosophers stone, an elusive substance, that would magically transform base metal into glorious hooker buying gold. Librarians aren't looking for gold Dr. Q notes; instead, librarians have discovered that brandishing a handgun is the fastest way to transform a smirking patron into a bowel emptying organism begging for life. Dr. Q noted that when librarians pack heat they favor gaudy, Dirty Harry style life enders. Janice "The Red Axe" U. reference specialist at the William G. Reed Public Library located in Shelton Washington (360-426-1362) agrees, "Fuck yeah. I take photos of the shit puddles patrons leave and post'em, like a trophy, on the library's my space website. Let's realize once and for all that the new face of patron interface is a glock barrel to the patron's temple." As she says this Janice points to the iconic photo that sits before her at the reference desk: